In the episode “Staples, Guns and Roses” Kestie Morassi is shown using staple gun on her submissive playmate’s feet.

That I’ve had that fantasy isn’t the point. When her vanilla lover comes on the scene there are moments when her face is contored by the exalted state she is in from satisfying her dominant and sadistic needs.

That she seems overwhelmed by her sexuality makes this a very moving scene. There are plenty of clips of women hurting men. But they are only earning money. No shame in that. Nor any thrill.

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1. Who Says Sadism Can’t Be Cute?
2. Dominant vs Dominate
3. Verbal Sadism

Dominant Woman’s Pleasure in Her Sadism
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

But I don’t see any inherent contradiction between BDSM and humor.

I find comediennes as a class attractive. Joan Blondell, Eve Arden, Sarah Silverman. Sarcasm, irony, cheerful delight are fine qualities.

There’s no reasona top can’t make me laugh if she wishes whie she swings her whip.

No related posts.

Funny Woman With a Whip
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

I just read a profile that says only:

looking to explore my desires to control and use.

You might expect me to mock the guy because the profile is too short.

But the words admit inexperience and make no demands. It is easy to belive that he’s willing to discuss and negotiate. His mind hasn’t been corrupted by absolutist fantasies.

And I’ve complained about tops who seem to be typing with one hand while they wank with another. Unable to distinguish between what they think they want and what they might possibly get.

People visiting this site might read some entries and think I have it in for dominant persons and sadists. Not at all. Some of my satisfaction in life comes from another person’s will and cruelty.

If you’d known me – if only virtually – to read what I’ve written over the years about sadism, masochism and consensual power exchange you’d see that I often signaled out men who describe themselves as submissive for dispraise.

Sadly regardless of power exchange orientation most men and women need to discern what they really need, discover what is possible and learn how to convey that in an online personal ad or profile.

Just so you know.

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Criticizing Tops
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

I’ve often written about men – tops and bottoms – whose profiles seem to have been written when they were emotionally intoxicated by porn. Drunk with sadistic excess.

There’s a very different class.

Man who post personal ads on kinky hookup and dating sites want many different things: conventional SSCM or RACK BDSM sessions, a slave girl lover, just somebody to keep house and suck his cock.

Or maybe just a girlfriend. There are men who show know sign that they understand that many of the women on the site what to be whipped and even degraded.

These guys seem to be looking for vanilla sweethearts. Is Master Nice Guy reading for a girl who wants to be locked in a cage, pissed on and told she’s a worthless slut?

They often say they want a special lady. No qualifications. Were I a heteorsexual women the very phrase special lady would push me away. You suspect he spent his youth watching the Lifetime Network.

I’d really like to hear from bottoms who perhaps dealt with a Master Nice Guy.

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3. Master / Mistress Please Read Your Profile

Master Nice Guy Finishes Last
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

Rare – if existing – is the couple that will have perfectly matching fetishes, symmetrical kinks.

For somebody who hates generalizations I make so many.

Of the straight couples I’ve known over the years it has in every single instance been the woman who ended the relationship, left the man.

Some of the women wanted more excitement, particularly more sexual pleasure. Some I think wanted a spouse who was less of a boy, who didn’t leave it to his wife to perform managerial and practical tasks.

And there were the women who after years of a seemingly happy marriage exploded with rage. These I felt after their children left no lost much of the direction of their lives. Felt they’d been deprived of fulfillment than motherhood. Perhaps had long felt that. But kept it suppressed. Then it boiled over with violence. Even a desire for revenge.

The guys were all kind, humane, intelligent men. They were ignorant or had been unwilling to see their spouse’s growing dissatisfaction. (They were all unambitious men: perhaps a coincidence.)

This was on my mind recently and prompted me to write about dissatisfactions in power exchange relationship. But I got sidetracked into emotional masochism. Leaving me with a poorly written note on the latter.

My friends’ failed love affairs put to mind how disparate expectations complicate and eventually put an end to kinky relationship.

All those male tops bitching about how “subs and slaves” aren’t real. That is they hookup with women (and men) who don’t really want to be treated like robots or human garbage 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. This is nothing more than the inability – perhaps on both sides – to accept that masturbatory fantasy can’t actually be lived in the real world.

Mostly it was submissive guys who are dissatisfied that the woman who tops or (ahem) owns him isn’t sufficiently dominant and sadistic.

You see it frequently with submissive men who have persuaded their wives and girlfriends to dominate them just a little bit. He is often pushing her to do more. And topping from the bottom: and knows it and wish he didn’t feel it necessary.

Really these men need to be honest and accept that the relationship is never going to match their desires. Separate, get a divorce: the longer it drags out the worse it will be in the end.

There are also couples in D/s relationships with unequal inclinations of some sort. He wants Mistress to be more demanding. Lots more demanding: mean and cruel. She’s content to control and spank him. When she’s in the mood. And does her best to oblige him when she can.

But it isn’t really enough. And his is submissive, possibly passive aggressive mind resentment is building up. Until the day he lashes out shocking her with his anger.

And aside from the crazy tops I mentioned above there are dominant men and women who grow frustrated because some desire, fetish isn’t fulfilled. The bottom pushes away but promises to try it soon. Soon never comes. Or as on arrival the safeword follows. One day the top berates the submissive lover or playmate for not meeting the agreement to satisfy the tops seemingly risk aware expectations.

The moral as always: is speak your mind. Communicate. Or one of you will be blaming the other.

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1. About My Profiles

Disparity of Desires in D/s
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

LOL is rarely a good sign in any communication. But I admit to having a couple of friends who have the habit.

In BDSM profiles by tops it is invariably a bad sign. (Bottoms are usually too lost in either nervousness or fear to insert inane giggles into their profiles.)

Tops write:

Never know what to put here LOL!

Learn if you want to inspire respect.

I’m different. LOL!

How?

I don’t what the usual relationship. LOL!

In what way?

I’ll fill this in later. LOL!

You never do.

Really I’m talking about male tops. Dominant women don’t seem nearly as likely to do this. It isn’t characteristic of their profiles (even if those have other problems).

Don’t LOL yourself into lonliness.

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2. Master Very Confused
3. Master Multiple Profiles

LOL!
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

When I see a profile in which the top says that he is a dominate rather than dominant I think: I can’t submit to an illiterate. (Untrue at least in my fantasies where … well you know … )

I have to confess that I’ve caught myself typing the wrong thing lots lately. Maybe I’m just a supercilious – but submissive – bastard.

It also bugs me when a woman calls herself a femdom.

As far as I can tell most people never realize their profiles are useless. And they rarely revise them unless it is to rant that nobody wants to serve them.

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1. Dominate vs. Dominant

Dominant vs Dominate
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

Early on in exploring BDSM I learned that dominant people aren’t sadistic. I have no interest in them. But I also discerned that sadism sometimes developes over time, emerges to the top’s own surprise. Oh my God I love him but I also love to hurt him!

And some sadist and dominant persons are uncertain in their topping. Kind and humane they bend over backwards trying to be just and balanced. It isn’t that they don’t want to take what they can have. They aren’t sure that they should.

Speaking from the bottom half of the power exchange I can’t help but feel that – if you have these feelings – you should probably overcome them. Reasonably and sensibly but pushing yourself a little bit.

You may be frustrating yourself and your submissive masochistic partner. Uncertainty can make it harder for the bottom to fall into the submissive emotional state. And he may – unknowingly – resent not getting the depth of submission and/or pain that he feels he needs.

I know there have been times when I would have submitted more happily if the top’s demand overcame the inital inertia. Sometimes a submissive person really does need – and ultimately want – to be pushed.

Not that you should be an out of control top. As alway those who need to worry won’t. Those who do feel concern can relax.

This isn’t what I wanted to blog about. But it passed through my mind when I chose the photo for different entry.

* Actually I know this issue affects female tops. I can’t assume that it is also an issue for some male sadists as well.

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Uncertain Topping
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

This was one of the many periods of erotic evolution I’ve experienced. I’d become uniquivocally bisexual. And masochistic and submissive feelings for women – I’d had them for men since boyhood – began to emerge. (The Playboys may have influenced the latter. That is for another day.)

The lot encompassed five – ten years of Playboy. I rifled through the magazines seeking a woman to whom I could imagine submitting. Playboy is hardly the best source for that kind of thing unless your submissiveness can be directed at any woman with large breasts and slim hips.

The photograph below worked for me. Sort of.

She looks confident, proud without arrogance. She’s happy. (And that she’s holding a book doesn’t hurt.) Later I discovered that I’d seen her much earlier on the cover of a Roxy Music album. It surely helped that only saw this one picture. (I’ve never scene, never sought the issues she was featured in.) She never became an object of fantasy. Why? I don’t know. I find my libido a continuing enigma.

It was her very straight posture that was the basis of my response.

Much later I discovered this photograph (wish I had a better copy).

The high collar and the austerity of her long plain skirt are part of the attraction. And the certainty on her face. But again it is her posture: the way she holds her head and shoulders.

I cheerfully confess that I’ve often imagined her ordering me about and taking that cane to me.

Confidence one of the most important attributes of a top. Maybe she doesn’t feel it. But she knows how to fool you. If she seems certain it is easier for a bottom to relax and submit.

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The Posture of Dominance
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

Gratiutious photograph: Jake Drummond

I understand confusion, self-doubt and dismay at the limitations of online profiles and personal ads.

I have multiple profiles: each is an attempt to display in a distinct fashion my masochism and submissiveness. I’ve seen others, including tops do the same.

But one male dominant’s profiles suggest he is so mixed-up and uncertain that the idea of him being in control of another person ia disturbing.

He’s created eight different profiles in the last three days. Some are blank, others have a sentence. His stated age varies from 38 to 39. His height: 5’4″ – 5’5″. His weight by at least ten pounds – and he’s overweight or a mountain of muscle regardless.

The variation in profile names isn’t meaningful.

Poor man.

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Master Very Confused
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy