As a boy the only sexism I’m aware of absorbing was that a male should be especially polite to women: give her your seat on the bus, open door the door and preceede you.

And I did. Until a female friend told me that I was being foolish when I went out of the way to open a door for her. Thinking about it there seemed to actual reason to treat females from males in any fashion. So much for that.

Not that I was negligent or impolite. My Savannah (of the time) born conditioning left me if anything overly courteous. And I could focus my urges to be gallant on boys anyway.

This was the era of the Women’s Liberation Movement. Women actually marched bearing placards demanding – how amazingly – compensation equal to that paid to men. However imperfectly this aspect of American life was born anew. At least for most professional women.

Given my self-selected group of friends I thought that was the end of the matter. Mostly. Visiting a couple once while another couple was also visiting I found myself feeling uncomfortable and confused that the two women did everything related to food and comfort (an offer to assist was dismissed).

And I mostly spent time with gay men. What did I know?

When I got sick watching contemporary television and movies provided a great gender education. Women are less logical than men – huh? Perhaps in a parallel dimension. Not on the Earth that I live on.

Prior to the popular culture experience it was discovering Femdom that I was living in some sociological niche.

There is of course the whole female superiority rigamarole. Women are tougher, faster. I remember when a woman hit the talk show circuit with that in the 1970s. They are also sweeter, nicer and benevolent. Yeah. Junk ethnology and historical ignorance. Not that I object to this as fantasy. (I fantasize everything.)

Now, men – men just aren’t so sweet. In fact all huamn males have penises for brains. And give one an orgasm and he’ll be selfish and rude. Deny a man orgasms and he’ll do all the practical chores that he’s been neglecting.

And here I thought I was a nice guy.

As unseemly as it may sound I wish I were like that. As someone who spent far too long as a romantic sap and paid for it some brute selfishness would’ve given me a better life.

I’ve tended to blame men for the varieties of F/m sexism. But thinking back I’ve certainly seen dominant women who post things like “10 Ways Men Are Like Dogs.”

So some female tops perpetuate sexist stereotypes. But about men.

Not that I’d dare try to quantify the degree. Most of the kinky people I’m really aware of are free of gender junk.

I’ve sometimes thought of female superiority as a very abstract aesthetic device as a possible emotional tool.

Do some dominant women use untrue generalization about men as a metaphor?

(This entry was not what I started out writing. Nothing new there. Begged questions, exceptions acknowledged.)

No related posts.

Sexism?
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

I had no idea that enforced male chastity and orgasm denial existed until I ran across an old Yahoo Femdom group.

Orgasm denial startled me on a couple of levels. That the subject even came up. That the voyeurs wanted men who were required to be chaste to go without any physical sexual satisfaction for months, years, ever.

As a boy and a young man fantasizing about BDSM my orgasm were never present. They were absent. It was as if my penis didn’t exist. Not because I regretted the organ. I never connected orgasms with D/s. And until I saw a certain drawing with S&M.

The seeming Femdom obsession with cock seemed damned weird. Especially the insistence that when a man had an orgasm all his tenderness and romanticism and supporitiveness just vanished.

What a nutty sort of reductionism. I like orgasms. I like ice cream. And British history and episodes of Dexter.

Eventually I did become a convert to male orgasm denial. But mostly physical denial: chastity devices. It is portable bondage. While limited only to the cock it is a cage. A surrender of options.

As a form of cirscumscribing and diminishing my behavior male chastity makes me feel very submissive. As an act that improves me as a man losing my ability to ejaculate seems merely foolish.

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Male Orgasm Denial as Pure BDSM
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

I’ve often written about men – tops and bottoms – whose profiles seem to have been written when they were emotionally intoxicated by porn. Drunk with sadistic excess.

There’s a very different class.

Man who post personal ads on kinky hookup and dating sites want many different things: conventional SSCM or RACK BDSM sessions, a slave girl lover, just somebody to keep house and suck his cock.

Or maybe just a girlfriend. There are men who show know sign that they understand that many of the women on the site what to be whipped and even degraded.

These guys seem to be looking for vanilla sweethearts. Is Master Nice Guy reading for a girl who wants to be locked in a cage, pissed on and told she’s a worthless slut?

They often say they want a special lady. No qualifications. Were I a heteorsexual women the very phrase special lady would push me away. You suspect he spent his youth watching the Lifetime Network.

I’d really like to hear from bottoms who perhaps dealt with a Master Nice Guy.

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Master Nice Guy Finishes Last
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

Rare – if existing – is the couple that will have perfectly matching fetishes, symmetrical kinks.

For somebody who hates generalizations I make so many.

Of the straight couples I’ve known over the years it has in every single instance been the woman who ended the relationship, left the man.

Some of the women wanted more excitement, particularly more sexual pleasure. Some I think wanted a spouse who was less of a boy, who didn’t leave it to his wife to perform managerial and practical tasks.

And there were the women who after years of a seemingly happy marriage exploded with rage. These I felt after their children left no lost much of the direction of their lives. Felt they’d been deprived of fulfillment than motherhood. Perhaps had long felt that. But kept it suppressed. Then it boiled over with violence. Even a desire for revenge.

The guys were all kind, humane, intelligent men. They were ignorant or had been unwilling to see their spouse’s growing dissatisfaction. (They were all unambitious men: perhaps a coincidence.)

This was on my mind recently and prompted me to write about dissatisfactions in power exchange relationship. But I got sidetracked into emotional masochism. Leaving me with a poorly written note on the latter.

My friends’ failed love affairs put to mind how disparate expectations complicate and eventually put an end to kinky relationship.

All those male tops bitching about how “subs and slaves” aren’t real. That is they hookup with women (and men) who don’t really want to be treated like robots or human garbage 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. This is nothing more than the inability – perhaps on both sides – to accept that masturbatory fantasy can’t actually be lived in the real world.

Mostly it was submissive guys who are dissatisfied that the woman who tops or (ahem) owns him isn’t sufficiently dominant and sadistic.

You see it frequently with submissive men who have persuaded their wives and girlfriends to dominate them just a little bit. He is often pushing her to do more. And topping from the bottom: and knows it and wish he didn’t feel it necessary.

Really these men need to be honest and accept that the relationship is never going to match their desires. Separate, get a divorce: the longer it drags out the worse it will be in the end.

There are also couples in D/s relationships with unequal inclinations of some sort. He wants Mistress to be more demanding. Lots more demanding: mean and cruel. She’s content to control and spank him. When she’s in the mood. And does her best to oblige him when she can.

But it isn’t really enough. And his is submissive, possibly passive aggressive mind resentment is building up. Until the day he lashes out shocking her with his anger.

And aside from the crazy tops I mentioned above there are dominant men and women who grow frustrated because some desire, fetish isn’t fulfilled. The bottom pushes away but promises to try it soon. Soon never comes. Or as on arrival the safeword follows. One day the top berates the submissive lover or playmate for not meeting the agreement to satisfy the tops seemingly risk aware expectations.

The moral as always: is speak your mind. Communicate. Or one of you will be blaming the other.

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1. About My Profiles

Disparity of Desires in D/s
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

We all have our own idiolect: idiosyncratic ways we use certain words.

In my own mind I often distinguish between humiliation and degradation. Not clearly or consistently.

For me degradation is most often the physical side of being treated as inferior. Scrubbing floors would be an instance. Forced to eat unpleasant food another.

Humiliation I most often association with consensual emotional sadomasochism.

There’s also humbling: gentle inferiority. Eating food, ordinary food, from a bowl. Being a pet. Being humble can be sweet and gentle. An occasional swat doesn’t conflict with a pat on the head.

My internal jargon important. I’m seeking distinctions for which there is no really ready terminology.

(Train of thought interruption. I stuck a Grace Jones CD in my player only to discover that some component seems to have died.)

Man Looks into Masochist’s Mind

When I suggested the term contempt play I meant emotional violence, particularly verbal sadism.

SSC, RACK verbal S&M to be sure. There are lines that should never be crossed.

I’m very difficult, perhaps impossible to really humiliate. I know about my limitations, flaws and failures. But there as aspects of my life I wouldn’t want used in spoken humiliation. They are behaviors that I wish I didn’t possess, could eliminate.

I’m happy with my gender, race and sexuality. But given the right tone mocking me for those things would plunge me deep down. I’ve often wished to me scored – in a scene – for my masochism and submissiveness. I’m ashamed of neither.

Mostly I crave the tone. The condemnation, contemptuous laughter, sheer scorn. For me this would be cathartic. I’d cringe, perhaps even cower waiting for you to stop. The days following I’d feel uplifted and view the world with vivid delight.

Humiliation and degradation can be funny activities. Once Alexandra rolled a raw egg along my butt crack. I was so baffled that I fell out of submissive emotional space. Later when I asked her why she said it was to humiliate me. I’ve never understood that. And will go to my grave puzzled.

Just Plain Swell Female Top

(The next day: this entry didn’t turn out that well.)

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Emotional S&M
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

People outside of D/s are just as baffled when those things happen to them.

It took me far too many years to catch on the psychology of this kind of behavior. People often won’t tell you why they are dissatisfied with a relationship. They may not even tell you that they aren’t happy and fulfilled. They’d rather just retreat and hide.

Despite all the social aggression we witness most people are reluctant – afraid – to cause a fuss, endure friction or be thought a ‘negative’ person. They’d rather hide in silence, retreat behind walls.

Have you ever applied for a job only to find it nearly impossible to discover whether or not you’ve been hired? You haven’t but the person who chose someone else gets his or her stomach in a knot at the prospect of telling you. So they hide behind their secretary.

Many years back the stress that bosses felt when firing employees caused ‘dehiring’ consultants to do the dirty work for them. Corporations paid fat fees so managers wouldn’t have to look a discarded employee in the face.

It is the same weird timidity at work.

Similarly in the most conventional romance people will suddenly become unable for a date. They claim to be too busy with work or school. They’d rather invest huge amounts of time contorting themselves than admitting that something about the relationship hasn’t worked for them. And rather let it end than cope with the emotional risks of being open enough to discover if there is a solution.

Some fear appearing in a bad light. Others just want to move on if the thrill they expected wasn’t found.

A bottom may have found what he or she was experiencing boring. Boring in a way that left them without any desire to continue. While enduring ennui can be a part of submission it can just be tedious and nothing more.

Or the bottom may find some experiences uncomfortable and unsatisfying. But be trapped by that. Emotional state that leaves a bottom unwilling or unable to complain and explain. So they just give up.

Tops may feel that their authority or competence has been challenged. There are tops that feel confused or guilty about this. The ability to negotiate vanishes and they lapse into silence. While tops are mere mortals like the rest of it some find admitting that unendurable.

Unconfident, playmates and lovers would rather let a relationship die than undergo the demands of honest discussion, the challenge of emotionally naked conversation.

This is sad. The shy man or woman, rendered unwilling o speak loses a valued friend in fearful silence. And as those who can push past these fears can attest many of the best relationships are built on foundations that looked rocky at first.

It hurts to be shut out. Equally it hurts to be the one closing the door.

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The Case of the Vanishing Submissive
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

Because my sexuality is fluid and mercurial I can say many different – even seemingly contradictory – things about my desires and needs that are all conditionally true.

In my online profiles I’ve tried various strategies for honestly capturing my sexual and affectional orientations. To be honest without confusing or overtaxing the reader.

A proper profile for myself as a submissive and masochistic man would need to be a small website of about twenty pages. Since my changes are slim I’ve never actually put out the effort to construct such. (Though I did create one consisting of several pages in the time shortly before Charles.)

What you may get out of my profiles is contingent on your expectations, inclinations and patience.

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About My Profiles
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

Before I go on let me give you a little personal history.

My masochism and submissiveness grew in me even as a boy. But I was always too timid to take the risk of being in another’s power, being tied up. How I wish I’d overcome that earlier in life.

Since then I’ve had a relationship of which BDSM was a key part. In it I learned the satisfaction of letting go of my ego, surrendering my will, of adoring another. Once after a longish separation when I was down on my hands and knees performing boot worship I broke into tears because I was so happy.

Before that, several years ago I placed my first BDSM personal ads on the web. I did meet one amazing dominant sadist. I wish I’d dropped to my knees and kissed his boots the day I met him. But he was so polite I didn’t know if he would be interested in me. Instead I wound up in a vanilla relationship with someone else that makes the most intense sadomasochism seem tame.

My BDSM relationship ended because of practical issue. How I miss getting beaten and sitting on the floor.

Who am I looking for? A sadist I can respect and trust. Respect is the cornerstone of being able to surrender. By trust I don’t mean that you aren’t a maniac. I need someone who can protect me from insuring myself: I sometimes become non-verbal, even slip into a submissive trance and get confused by danger, e.g., a piece of broken glass.

More extensive and subtle issues of compatibility can only be resolved by conversation – email or in person – I’m very verbal, perhaps exasperatingly so. I do have fetishes. I don’t expect you to satisfy them unless you want to. Without your desire they aren’t worth pursuing. But for a relationship of any depth I expect the dominant to learn about me. Hopefully that information would be to the top’s benefit.

Bondage is very meaningful for me. Physical helplessness helps spark deeper submissive feelings. The inescapable limitation of chains is oddly comforting.

What do I want? To be able to meet with someone on a regular basis. When we are together, be it for a couple of hours or a weekend/week, I do what you command.

What about 24/7, lifestyle, Owner Supremacy? That requires a rare level of compatibility. Rare enough even among vanilla relationships. Certainly I’d like to find that. If possible.

I’m open to many different styles including Old Guard. I accept that protocols and rituals may be required. That I may need training and conditioning the better to behave as an inferior creature. So much is in unknowable details that they are better left to when a mutual interest has been established.

There is more to me than my slavishness and masochism. That may or may not matter to you depending on exactly what you are looking for. But people find long profiles tiring and more can be communicated later if there is justification.

Please understand that I do not cyber or engage in D/s role-playing online. An unknown stranger is not Owner. A bully isn’t a Master. The latter’s control of another stems from ability and talent. More than just an assertion. And I say that as a man who deeply desires to be on his hands and knees with his head bowed in reverent submission to one he honors as his superior.
The bad news:

I’m one of those people you read about who lost their house. I live in a house with my best and oldest friend. There isn’t much privacy when he is home.

I suffer from COPD. That means among other things that I have periods where I’m a bit weak. Though this has improved much over what it was like just a few months ago.

I’m fat. There’s no excuse for that. The hellish relationship mentioned above and the rotten health of last year contributed to this status. If only because of my health concerns I am slowly losing weight but we’re talking about a very long time. This is probably one of the reasons I fantasize about food control and starvation play.

My expectations are minimal. It doesn’t cost anything to try.

If you have any questions please ask. If you are into financial domination don’t waste your time.

Thanks for reading the profile. Best of luck to you in your own question for fulfillment.

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Submissive Male in Durham, NC
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

I’m hoping to meet someone who would enjoy hurting me on a regular or semi-regular basis.

Consensually inflicted pain and suffering makes me happy (if only the day after).

I’m open to S&M with or without role-playing and psychodrama. Dominance, a suggestion of violence or meanness can boost my masochism. I’m open to fantasy play scenarios. But not monomaniacs interested in, say, only nipple torture.

But just mutually exploring the effect of certain practices can be lots of fun.

Sadomasochistic play can be performed in many ways: high drama, playfully. S&M can even be hilarious at times. (Nothing like having someone weight your testicles by filling a bucket with potatoes.)

My experience has been limited to one LTR (now ended). There’s lots we never tried or explored in depth.

I’d like to try many things. But I don’t want a top to feel that I’m expecting to be serviced. Without the sadist’s delight I lose my masochistic superpower to process pain as pleasure. (Honestly – I think I erotized being spanked when I was eight – I like being hit so much I could imagine asking for a whipping as a favor.)

An experienced sadist has technique and knowledge of safety. A novice has lots of curiosity and an eagerness to try things. Either is welcome.

I’m only looking for someone who wants to do this on a steady basis. S&M is enriched by a growing mutual awareness.

I don’t drive. I also use a machine to provide extra oxygen. That isn’t as limiting as you might think. But I haven’t done any S&M with it. I can’t see why it would interfere with a caning or cbt.

Even worse: I’m fat. (Oops there you went!) And the trauma that caused this is no longer an even half-assed excuse. (Obviously I need a TPE with heavy dietary restrictions.)

Kinks and fetishes include: Abrasion, Bondage, Boot worship, CBT, Corporal punishment, Depersonalization, Face slapping, Genitorment, Hair pulling, Testicle bondage.

Hard Limits: C/capitalization protocol. Married men. Blood, breath play, cigars, diapers, feminization, fisting, scat, tickling. Public scenes or involving third parties. Soft Limits: anal insertables, enemas, plastic wrap and wax. I know safewords disappoint but being prepared for unforeseen emergencies seems wise. I don’t think of my submissive orientation as making me part of a lifestyle and have no interest in public venues.

Good humor and intelligence are joys.

Cruelty is cool. Typing in ALL CAPS isn’t. (And it is self-defeating. Studies show text in which all the words are capitalized is less likely to be read.)

I don’t role-play online. Ever. I resist chatting because of my repetitive stressed out fingers. Email is a better initial stage of communication.

No related posts.

Happy Masochist
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

Honestly at this point I’m fatalistic about my chances. But there is no harm in presenting a profile and seeing what time and luck bring.

I hesitate to call myself a slave: people attach such specific meanings to the word. Instead I prefer to say that enslavement is something I aspire to.

Within D/s I’m happiest when my own volition seems to vanish, obedience is instant and effortless.

I’m a physical and emotional masochist a need for pain, degradation and misery is part of my sexual orientation.

I feel a need to become an inferior controlled creature; to worship a master as my god. Deifying people is nothing new. I see myself kneeling in humility and thankfulness.

I seek a M/s relationship. Someone to engage in TPE sessions with. Perhaps more: depends on the mysteries of interpersonal chemistry. What about 24/7/365? It is hard for vanilla people to find life-partners. I don’t rule fulltime M/s out but figure it unlikely.

Without the sadist’s pleasure in my pain and suffering I might as well stump my toe.

My ideal master knows that even with the best intentions the slave state isn’t always easily reached. I tend to see him as manipulative, using rules, ritualized humiliations, conditioning to help me find and stay in humble, grateful, worshipful slave emotional space.

A bottom that is verbal and has opinions doesn’t threaten him. He is confident of his control. And doesn’t feel knowing his slave’s kinks and fetishes obliges him to make them happen but may provide him with keys to get the responses he wants.

I desire to experience his wrath and be punished. Not that I’d ever intentionally anger him or do something wrong. That would be cheating. But I do crave this sort of dark surrender. To be treated as worthless: kicked and slapped on. But not all the time.

Some of what I’m seeking could be thought of abuse but it isn’t that simple.

I also relish the role of human pet. Not the faux dog fetish. But acting as a domesticated human being that comports itself as a pet when eating, moving about, happy to be at its owner’s feet.

Perhaps it will all be impersonal. Not that there is necessarily a contradiction between servility and masochism and affection and companionship. M/s relationships vary. I can’t predict what might happen with a man who is currently a stranger.

Jut because I’m seeking someone to hit and mock me doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate other qualities. Like humor, compassion, individuality, originality.

Kinks and fetishes include: Abrasion, awkward bondage. begging, Boot/foot worship, Canes, whips & quirts. confinement, depersonalization, face slapping, genitorment, hair pulling, hoods, human furniture, leash & collar, objectification, orgasm denial, restrictions, testicle bondage.

Hard Limits: C/capitalization protocol. Blood, breath play, feminization (verbal okay), fisting, scat, tickling. Public scenes or involving third parties. Soft Limits: anal insertables, enemas, plastic wrap and wax. I know safewords disappoint but being prepared for unforeseen emergencies seems wise. I don?t think of my submissive orientation as making me part of a lifestyle or subculture and have no interest in fetish venues.

I don’t cyber or role-play online. Nor do BDSM at a distance. I just don?t have the capacity. I resist chatting because of my long-standing repetitive stressed out fingers. Emails are responded to honestly and in depth.

CAVEAT: I’m fat. I walk around my house with a breathing tube attached to my nose. But my limitation doesn’t limit me as much as you might think.

No related posts.

Owner Worship
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy