ProDommes & Stereotypes

I esteem a number of professional dominatrices.

As I’ve mentioned before I’ve exchanged thoughts and feelings with some on and off for years. Not as a client: I’ve never (yet) paid for an evening’s S&M.

Nor necessarily about kink. Many of these conversations predated my relationship with Alexandra or my writing about fetish. They didn’t know of my masochism. We shared some other interest or they esteemed something I’d written about sexuality (probably gender identity).

So I felt a bit uncomfortable with a remark I found on a blog:

Just because [submissive male partner] will allow me to perform some act on him, and while he may desire it, it does not mean that I should or will perform it. Besides any legal issues, it has to be done within the boundaries of my own comfort. I am not a pro-domme, nor do I seek to act like one.

(Link not given: it is irrelevant and I have no desire to spark any friction.)

The point about the dominant’s comfort is well taken. The dominant needs to remain in his or her individual comfort zone. Though typically bottoms want their tops to do just a little bit more. (We are a greedy group aren’t we.)

But I demur at the notion that a dominant woman who enjoys more colorful play is akin to a ProDomme. Look at the explorations that Alexandra and I have shared. And the Perv-O-Meter is apt to register in the higher ranges when she returns.

Just good clean risk aware physical and emotional roaming around the byways of kink seeking to share certain mutual pleasures that are a part of our love.

I’d never suggest someone is not a “true dominant” because they have limits. (One of those things too many bottoms forget.)

Alexandra’s degradation and physical punishment of me doesn’t make her a professional dominatrix. She’s my lover.

But she’s not a better person for not being a ProDomme.

Even kinky people can be manipulated by the mass media clichés about professional dominants. Sure, some of the women abet those perceptions on their sites. That is just showmanship, letting the customer know that he can live his fantasy. Dig deep enough in the site and you’ll find it clearly stated that the client’s safety is paramount and insane requests won’t be honored.

ProDommes are often bright, cheerful, smart women. Mistress Matisse is sort of the poster girl of the good ProDomme.

So many of the women are creative. They know they are performance artists.

Do you think it is easy to put on all that garb to be the glamorous and pungent realization of a man’s dream. That while they like looking sexy maybe they’d rather relax in a t-shirt and sneakers?

Resilience and resource is required to stay sane and happy when many of the clients are demanding, whiny, bent in anything but a fun way. So many different performances with men who’ll become angry should your role drop if only for a moment.

Empathy and insight is necessary to get through the day. A good professional dominatrix – I’m sure there are plenty of rotten ones – just as there are incompetent plumbers and spiteful store clerks – develops real insight into human sexuality. A rough and ready wisdom that is nothing to be despised.

I suspect able sex workers have done more for human happiness than psychiatrists with the bottles of pills who often treat their clients like experimental lab animals.

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In Praise of Professional Dominatrices
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

As a boy the only sexism I’m aware of absorbing was that a male should be especially polite to women: give her your seat on the bus, open door the door and preceede you.

And I did. Until a female friend told me that I was being foolish when I went out of the way to open a door for her. Thinking about it there seemed to actual reason to treat females from males in any fashion. So much for that.

Not that I was negligent or impolite. My Savannah (of the time) born conditioning left me if anything overly courteous. And I could focus my urges to be gallant on boys anyway.

This was the era of the Women’s Liberation Movement. Women actually marched bearing placards demanding – how amazingly – compensation equal to that paid to men. However imperfectly this aspect of American life was born anew. At least for most professional women.

Given my self-selected group of friends I thought that was the end of the matter. Mostly. Visiting a couple once while another couple was also visiting I found myself feeling uncomfortable and confused that the two women did everything related to food and comfort (an offer to assist was dismissed).

And I mostly spent time with gay men. What did I know?

When I got sick watching contemporary television and movies provided a great gender education. Women are less logical than men – huh? Perhaps in a parallel dimension. Not on the Earth that I live on.

Prior to the popular culture experience it was discovering Femdom that I was living in some sociological niche.

There is of course the whole female superiority rigamarole. Women are tougher, faster. I remember when a woman hit the talk show circuit with that in the 1970s. They are also sweeter, nicer and benevolent. Yeah. Junk ethnology and historical ignorance. Not that I object to this as fantasy. (I fantasize everything.)

Now, men – men just aren’t so sweet. In fact all huamn males have penises for brains. And give one an orgasm and he’ll be selfish and rude. Deny a man orgasms and he’ll do all the practical chores that he’s been neglecting.

And here I thought I was a nice guy.

As unseemly as it may sound I wish I were like that. As someone who spent far too long as a romantic sap and paid for it some brute selfishness would’ve given me a better life.

I’ve tended to blame men for the varieties of F/m sexism. But thinking back I’ve certainly seen dominant women who post things like “10 Ways Men Are Like Dogs.”

So some female tops perpetuate sexist stereotypes. But about men.

Not that I’d dare try to quantify the degree. Most of the kinky people I’m really aware of are free of gender junk.

I’ve sometimes thought of female superiority as a very abstract aesthetic device as a possible emotional tool.

Do some dominant women use untrue generalization about men as a metaphor?

(This entry was not what I started out writing. Nothing new there. Begged questions, exceptions acknowledged.)

No related posts.

Sexism?
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

I got this unexpected email:

I’ve been fascinated with this concept since finishing Elise
Sutton’s Female Domination. . .. have to
wonder, how do you get a submissive to get on it if he isn’t
“willing” or he has the inner strength to submit to such.
Seems I would really have to have a good reason.

Beyond getting a non-submissive boyfriend to play bedroom games she’d fail. He’d eventually get tired of it and leave. There’s always the chance of latent submissiveness but there’s no winning in striving for the unlikely.

People need to understand that BDSM – D/s, S&M, Bondage, Humiliation – these erotic needs, desires, inclinations are issue of sexual orientation. Just as much as gender orientation.

The sadist or masochist can’t stop being who they are anymore than a gay man can be converted by Marcus Bachmann into a heterosexual.

Being dominant or submissive is an issue of inner nature. Qualities settled in us when we were innocent children. Fighting against your sexuality only leads to unhappiness.

And people are kinky in their own individual way. And there desires and pleasures often modify in the presence of a top or bottom they really enjoy being with.

If you are a sadist, dominant or masochist, submissive person and your lover or spouse doesn’t share your needs then you need to either leave the relationship or arrange for your partner to your exploring BDSM with others.

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1. BDSM & Masturbation
2. About My Profiles
3. Ten BDSM Crimes

BDSM Is Sexual Orientation
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

Poor Old Mr. Penis

Ruined Orgasm I

Many years ago during a period when I was looking for an outlet for my masochism a man who wrote me had a sadistic desire that was new to me.

The guy wanted to tie me up and masturbate me to and past orgasm. The continued massaging of my penis would eventually become painful. Having been a sometimes too enthusiastic wanker I knew my penis could become sore. What an exciting idea. (Sadly he decided that he wanted to explore his own masochism and we never met.)

Ruined Orgasm II

A device, finger, dildo, Aneros prostate massager is used to stimulate a man’s prostate gland. This forces him to ejaculate without having any sort of orgasm.

Technically there is no orgasm involved but involunatarily mimicking the results of an orgasms is dehumanizing and humiliating.

This has always struck me as a very moving experience. To have your physiological response manipulated inddependent of your actions or intenions.

Ruined Orgasm iII

A few years later focussing exclusively on F/m BDSM I read an entry on male genital manipulate:

No lubrication is used, and the glove is not allowed to slide over the organ. At the first twitch, pulsation, or other indication of approaching orgasm, she quickly removes her hand. She does not resume the almost mechanical “Milking” for a full minute. Sixty seconds is a long time when excitement is high. It is, however, necessary to wait out the full time prior to resumption. This same routine is carried out again and again, ceasing each time that there is the slightest muscle twitch observed or suspected. During the sixty seconds that the “Milking” is not taking place, the Mistress should tell the slave how well he is doing, how much pleasure she will get from his having a dribble orgasm, how displeased she will be if he has strong contractions, how he must relax and not do anything to spoil her pleasure, etc. This, in conditioning terms, is the reinforcement stage. The grand finale is a little squirt from the cock slit, followed by his slime slowly oozing out. While this is occurring Mistress should again give positive reinforcement. …

My synapses contorted themselves into new shapes when I read that. I wish I’d copied the entire, quite long, entry. The blog is long gone but it always seemed to actually be written by a woman in a F/m power exchange relationship.

How profoundly humbling to have one of a man’s greatest delights so diminished, made feeble.

Ruined Orgasms IV

From another F/m blog:

I then very quickly and vigorously, almost viciously, from behind, jerk his organ with my rubber gloved hand. He is so tense that it rarely takes even a minute before he is ready to spurt. I am watching this very closely and as soon as I note a slight start of a spasm I stop, take my hands away, step back and watch amused as he spurts, in a most frustrating fashion into his condom.

I assure you there is no orgasm when this method is employed, try it yourself and see! The look of frustration, total and utter frustration, is a picture to behold. Even now after several years of this treatment, he cannot quite comprehend just how frustrating the experience is. It leaves him yearning and desiring satisfaction, dreaming of what he used to experience. He remains totally unrelieved of his sexual tensions and urges, indeed they are multiplied ten-fold as a consequence of the frustration of being so near, yet so far from an orgasm. All that has been released is his semen, not his sexual tension.

This blog entry was much longer. I was rapt with helpless fascination. But clearly the account was fiction presented as truth. Perhaps only to give the story a greater sadomasochistic thrill.

Ruined Orgasm Summary

The first is pure S&M. The masochist’s penis is forced to endure pain. This is so much the opposite of what is expected from the genitals that it is almost shocking.

The second is also pure physical manipulation of a man’s sexual organs. His power over himself is literally taken away. It seems like a species of consensual sexual assault.

In the third a man is masturbated in a carefully structured manner. The goal is to elicit an orgasm without pleasure. The man’s body is pushed to climix perhaps by duration.

With the fourth we find a man caculatingly brought to orgasm only to have the stimulation removed with cunning timing to render the orgasm pleasureless.

The first and second kinds of male sexual manipulation are actually practiced.

The third and four have captured the mind’s of masochistic men as the most humiliating. Especially number four. It is the kind of ruined orgasm men search the web for.

The Runied Orgasm Myth

A BDSM urban legend I think. Of course I speak only with the authority of my own body.

I’ve certainly had orgasms that I felt could’ve been better.

I’ve had orgasms after taking my hand from my penis just a moment too soon.

Sometimes I’ve had orgasms that didn’t result in ejaculation. My body still shuddered. Pleasure surged through me.

Even my mildest, most flawed and least competently achieved orgasms gave me pleasure.

Your can be over-masturbated to pain. Your prostate can be massaged to ejaculation without orgasm.

But even the most minimal orgasm is fun.

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1. Male Orgasm Denial as Pure BDSM

Ruined Orgasms Theory & Practice
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

I had no idea that enforced male chastity and orgasm denial existed until I ran across an old Yahoo Femdom group.

Orgasm denial startled me on a couple of levels. That the subject even came up. That the voyeurs wanted men who were required to be chaste to go without any physical sexual satisfaction for months, years, ever.

As a boy and a young man fantasizing about BDSM my orgasm were never present. They were absent. It was as if my penis didn’t exist. Not because I regretted the organ. I never connected orgasms with D/s. And until I saw a certain drawing with S&M.

The seeming Femdom obsession with cock seemed damned weird. Especially the insistence that when a man had an orgasm all his tenderness and romanticism and supporitiveness just vanished.

What a nutty sort of reductionism. I like orgasms. I like ice cream. And British history and episodes of Dexter.

Eventually I did become a convert to male orgasm denial. But mostly physical denial: chastity devices. It is portable bondage. While limited only to the cock it is a cage. A surrender of options.

As a form of cirscumscribing and diminishing my behavior male chastity makes me feel very submissive. As an act that improves me as a man losing my ability to ejaculate seems merely foolish.

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2. BDSM & Masturbation

Male Orgasm Denial as Pure BDSM
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

How do I get my partner to dominate me?

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Vanilla Dominatrix
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

In the episode “Staples, Guns and Roses” Kestie Morassi is shown using staple gun on her submissive playmate’s feet.

That I’ve had that fantasy isn’t the point. When her vanilla lover comes on the scene there are moments when her face is contored by the exalted state she is in from satisfying her dominant and sadistic needs.

That she seems overwhelmed by her sexuality makes this a very moving scene. There are plenty of clips of women hurting men. But they are only earning money. No shame in that. Nor any thrill.

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2. Dominant vs Dominate
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Dominant Woman’s Pleasure in Her Sadism
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

Rare – if existing – is the couple that will have perfectly matching fetishes, symmetrical kinks.

For somebody who hates generalizations I make so many.

Of the straight couples I’ve known over the years it has in every single instance been the woman who ended the relationship, left the man.

Some of the women wanted more excitement, particularly more sexual pleasure. Some I think wanted a spouse who was less of a boy, who didn’t leave it to his wife to perform managerial and practical tasks.

And there were the women who after years of a seemingly happy marriage exploded with rage. These I felt after their children left no lost much of the direction of their lives. Felt they’d been deprived of fulfillment than motherhood. Perhaps had long felt that. But kept it suppressed. Then it boiled over with violence. Even a desire for revenge.

The guys were all kind, humane, intelligent men. They were ignorant or had been unwilling to see their spouse’s growing dissatisfaction. (They were all unambitious men: perhaps a coincidence.)

This was on my mind recently and prompted me to write about dissatisfactions in power exchange relationship. But I got sidetracked into emotional masochism. Leaving me with a poorly written note on the latter.

My friends’ failed love affairs put to mind how disparate expectations complicate and eventually put an end to kinky relationship.

All those male tops bitching about how “subs and slaves” aren’t real. That is they hookup with women (and men) who don’t really want to be treated like robots or human garbage 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. This is nothing more than the inability – perhaps on both sides – to accept that masturbatory fantasy can’t actually be lived in the real world.

Mostly it was submissive guys who are dissatisfied that the woman who tops or (ahem) owns him isn’t sufficiently dominant and sadistic.

You see it frequently with submissive men who have persuaded their wives and girlfriends to dominate them just a little bit. He is often pushing her to do more. And topping from the bottom: and knows it and wish he didn’t feel it necessary.

Really these men need to be honest and accept that the relationship is never going to match their desires. Separate, get a divorce: the longer it drags out the worse it will be in the end.

There are also couples in D/s relationships with unequal inclinations of some sort. He wants Mistress to be more demanding. Lots more demanding: mean and cruel. She’s content to control and spank him. When she’s in the mood. And does her best to oblige him when she can.

But it isn’t really enough. And his is submissive, possibly passive aggressive mind resentment is building up. Until the day he lashes out shocking her with his anger.

And aside from the crazy tops I mentioned above there are dominant men and women who grow frustrated because some desire, fetish isn’t fulfilled. The bottom pushes away but promises to try it soon. Soon never comes. Or as on arrival the safeword follows. One day the top berates the submissive lover or playmate for not meeting the agreement to satisfy the tops seemingly risk aware expectations.

The moral as always: is speak your mind. Communicate. Or one of you will be blaming the other.

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1. About My Profiles

Disparity of Desires in D/s
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

Because my sexuality is fluid and mercurial I can say many different – even seemingly contradictory – things about my desires and needs that are all conditionally true.

In my online profiles I’ve tried various strategies for honestly capturing my sexual and affectional orientations. To be honest without confusing or overtaxing the reader.

A proper profile for myself as a submissive and masochistic man would need to be a small website of about twenty pages. Since my changes are slim I’ve never actually put out the effort to construct such. (Though I did create one consisting of several pages in the time shortly before Charles.)

What you may get out of my profiles is contingent on your expectations, inclinations and patience.

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About My Profiles
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

Ebooks have been common in the make money the easy way online sucker market for some time. Now they are invading BDSM, at least the Femdom portion of it.

Ebooks are often written by people with no expertise in the subject they are covering, just a desire to make a buck. Often the rights to the books are sold to other people who also peddle it online.

The page count is often low and sometimes a series are sold as an online course. It is a real sucker’s market.

Don’t be fooled into buying an ebook or online course promising to teach you how to be a submissive man, turn your wife into a dominatrix or win a Mistress.

Everything that you need to know about male submission and female dominance is out here on the web. Again and again: there is no secret, no hidden lore; any promise of special techniques is sheer bunk.

Being a good submissive man is mostly about being a good man; taking a pleasure in deference, needing to surrender to control. And often – hooray for masochism! – happiness in pain.

The people you can learn from are the men and women who have forged successful female dominant relationships and share their experiences on blogs and forums. Don’t be tempted by the bogus offers you see on the web.

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Warning to Submissive Men
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy