I have no patience with definitions of what constitutes authentic submission. In a power exchange relationship whether F/m or any Gender/gender proper submission is what proves successful for both partners.

Behavior that approximates an ideal. Ideal conditions are boundaries that are rarely reached.

For me I’d say submission is deferring to the top’s wishes as best as I can. That is consistent with my emotional and physical well-being. People submit because they believe it will satisfy an internal necessity.

The key element that most men lack in offering this deference is probably in actually perceiving and understand the top’s wishes. I have plenty of good will and honest desire. But with the virtues that I can honestly attribute myself I’m forever hurt by how often I could have been more conscious of what was desired and would have made experiences better.

Like all relationships BDSM prospers given communication, attentiveness and empathy.

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What Really is Male Submission?
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

I got this unexpected email:

I’ve been fascinated with this concept since finishing Elise
Sutton’s Female Domination. . .. have to
wonder, how do you get a submissive to get on it if he isn’t
“willing” or he has the inner strength to submit to such.
Seems I would really have to have a good reason.

Beyond getting a non-submissive boyfriend to play bedroom games she’d fail. He’d eventually get tired of it and leave. There’s always the chance of latent submissiveness but there’s no winning in striving for the unlikely.

People need to understand that BDSM – D/s, S&M, Bondage, Humiliation – these erotic needs, desires, inclinations are issue of sexual orientation. Just as much as gender orientation.

The sadist or masochist can’t stop being who they are anymore than a gay man can be converted by Marcus Bachmann into a heterosexual.

Being dominant or submissive is an issue of inner nature. Qualities settled in us when we were innocent children. Fighting against your sexuality only leads to unhappiness.

And people are kinky in their own individual way. And there desires and pleasures often modify in the presence of a top or bottom they really enjoy being with.

If you are a sadist, dominant or masochist, submissive person and your lover or spouse doesn’t share your needs then you need to either leave the relationship or arrange for your partner to your exploring BDSM with others.

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BDSM Is Sexual Orientation
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

I had no idea that enforced male chastity and orgasm denial existed until I ran across an old Yahoo Femdom group.

Orgasm denial startled me on a couple of levels. That the subject even came up. That the voyeurs wanted men who were required to be chaste to go without any physical sexual satisfaction for months, years, ever.

As a boy and a young man fantasizing about BDSM my orgasm were never present. They were absent. It was as if my penis didn’t exist. Not because I regretted the organ. I never connected orgasms with D/s. And until I saw a certain drawing with S&M.

The seeming Femdom obsession with cock seemed damned weird. Especially the insistence that when a man had an orgasm all his tenderness and romanticism and supporitiveness just vanished.

What a nutty sort of reductionism. I like orgasms. I like ice cream. And British history and episodes of Dexter.

Eventually I did become a convert to male orgasm denial. But mostly physical denial: chastity devices. It is portable bondage. While limited only to the cock it is a cage. A surrender of options.

As a form of cirscumscribing and diminishing my behavior male chastity makes me feel very submissive. As an act that improves me as a man losing my ability to ejaculate seems merely foolish.

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Male Orgasm Denial as Pure BDSM
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But I don’t see any inherent contradiction between BDSM and humor.

I find comediennes as a class attractive. Joan Blondell, Eve Arden, Sarah Silverman. Sarcasm, irony, cheerful delight are fine qualities.

There’s no reasona top can’t make me laugh if she wishes whie she swings her whip.

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Funny Woman With a Whip
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

I couldn’t find an on theme image that wasn’t disgusting. I sure do envy the young man on his knees.

Verbal abuse should be dropped from the list of consensual sadomasochistic fetishes. The term has terrible associations. Verbal sadism (or masochism) fits better for those of us who want to participate in it knowingly.

I’m not going to get in the rut of writing about it. But just as physical sadists are sometimes uncomfortable with emotional S&M even those who don’t mind (ideally enjoy) inflicting humiliation cannot handle verbal sadism.

Why am I am a verbally masochistic man? I have a muddy perception of the sources of these desires. Of primal origin, in the sense that they emerge most likely from earliest childhood. (I was not abuse so don’t be upset.) Maybe one day I’ll make another attempt to outline my personal – probably crackpot – theory.

Because of this fetish’s deep roots it is one of the most moving and powerful experiences that I can have in the context of BDSM.

I do not need it to be happy. Or to be satisfied with a top. But the top who could speak to me with the right tone would be granting me a great grace.

I have copious, fluid and wide ranging sexualities. More narrow masochists may experience this as a serious need. And the bottom may not understand this clearly. It is something the dominant person should be aware of in hopes of understanding why an otherwise likeable submissive person isn’t content. Perhaps even becomes faithless and leaves.

Unexamined Masochism

I want to emphasize that many submissive persons do not fully understand their desires. Cannot articulate them. This is true of many people in many situations.

Being mindful of this may make you better able to evaluate a potential play partner. Or understand the failure of a D/s love affair.

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Verbal Sadism
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

Rare – if existing – is the couple that will have perfectly matching fetishes, symmetrical kinks.

For somebody who hates generalizations I make so many.

Of the straight couples I’ve known over the years it has in every single instance been the woman who ended the relationship, left the man.

Some of the women wanted more excitement, particularly more sexual pleasure. Some I think wanted a spouse who was less of a boy, who didn’t leave it to his wife to perform managerial and practical tasks.

And there were the women who after years of a seemingly happy marriage exploded with rage. These I felt after their children left no lost much of the direction of their lives. Felt they’d been deprived of fulfillment than motherhood. Perhaps had long felt that. But kept it suppressed. Then it boiled over with violence. Even a desire for revenge.

The guys were all kind, humane, intelligent men. They were ignorant or had been unwilling to see their spouse’s growing dissatisfaction. (They were all unambitious men: perhaps a coincidence.)

This was on my mind recently and prompted me to write about dissatisfactions in power exchange relationship. But I got sidetracked into emotional masochism. Leaving me with a poorly written note on the latter.

My friends’ failed love affairs put to mind how disparate expectations complicate and eventually put an end to kinky relationship.

All those male tops bitching about how “subs and slaves” aren’t real. That is they hookup with women (and men) who don’t really want to be treated like robots or human garbage 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. This is nothing more than the inability – perhaps on both sides – to accept that masturbatory fantasy can’t actually be lived in the real world.

Mostly it was submissive guys who are dissatisfied that the woman who tops or (ahem) owns him isn’t sufficiently dominant and sadistic.

You see it frequently with submissive men who have persuaded their wives and girlfriends to dominate them just a little bit. He is often pushing her to do more. And topping from the bottom: and knows it and wish he didn’t feel it necessary.

Really these men need to be honest and accept that the relationship is never going to match their desires. Separate, get a divorce: the longer it drags out the worse it will be in the end.

There are also couples in D/s relationships with unequal inclinations of some sort. He wants Mistress to be more demanding. Lots more demanding: mean and cruel. She’s content to control and spank him. When she’s in the mood. And does her best to oblige him when she can.

But it isn’t really enough. And his is submissive, possibly passive aggressive mind resentment is building up. Until the day he lashes out shocking her with his anger.

And aside from the crazy tops I mentioned above there are dominant men and women who grow frustrated because some desire, fetish isn’t fulfilled. The bottom pushes away but promises to try it soon. Soon never comes. Or as on arrival the safeword follows. One day the top berates the submissive lover or playmate for not meeting the agreement to satisfy the tops seemingly risk aware expectations.

The moral as always: is speak your mind. Communicate. Or one of you will be blaming the other.

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Disparity of Desires in D/s
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

So much of it is genital sex. Nothing wrong with that but that isn’t what stirs me in a special way. But my head beneath a top’s boot – as I know from real life – is one of those livable symbols of submission that fills my heart with the humility that my arrogant self often craves.

From an old magazine, Butch. More to come.

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Under Master’s Boot
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Early on in exploring BDSM I learned that dominant people aren’t sadistic. I have no interest in them. But I also discerned that sadism sometimes developes over time, emerges to the top’s own surprise. Oh my God I love him but I also love to hurt him!

And some sadist and dominant persons are uncertain in their topping. Kind and humane they bend over backwards trying to be just and balanced. It isn’t that they don’t want to take what they can have. They aren’t sure that they should.

Speaking from the bottom half of the power exchange I can’t help but feel that – if you have these feelings – you should probably overcome them. Reasonably and sensibly but pushing yourself a little bit.

You may be frustrating yourself and your submissive masochistic partner. Uncertainty can make it harder for the bottom to fall into the submissive emotional state. And he may – unknowingly – resent not getting the depth of submission and/or pain that he feels he needs.

I know there have been times when I would have submitted more happily if the top’s demand overcame the inital inertia. Sometimes a submissive person really does need – and ultimately want – to be pushed.

Not that you should be an out of control top. As alway those who need to worry won’t. Those who do feel concern can relax.

This isn’t what I wanted to blog about. But it passed through my mind when I chose the photo for different entry.

* Actually I know this issue affects female tops. I can’t assume that it is also an issue for some male sadists as well.

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