In May of 2009 a very sweet sounding guy, confused a bit about gender, bisexuality and his submissiveness wrote me via BDSM Romance asking for advice. I promised a quick reponse.

Yesterday I finally answered him. Elsewhere:

To a Bisexual, Submissive, Feminine Boy

Related posts:

1. Warning to Submissive Men
2. Mister Straight Bisexual Man
3. Older Submissive Man in Durham, NC

I Think I’m a Submissive, Bisexual Sissyboy – Help!
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

How do I get my partner to dominate me?

Related posts:

1. Warning to Submissive Men

Vanilla Dominatrix
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

I couldn’t find an on theme image that wasn’t disgusting. I sure do envy the young man on his knees.

Verbal abuse should be dropped from the list of consensual sadomasochistic fetishes. The term has terrible associations. Verbal sadism (or masochism) fits better for those of us who want to participate in it knowingly.

I’m not going to get in the rut of writing about it. But just as physical sadists are sometimes uncomfortable with emotional S&M even those who don’t mind (ideally enjoy) inflicting humiliation cannot handle verbal sadism.

Why am I am a verbally masochistic man? I have a muddy perception of the sources of these desires. Of primal origin, in the sense that they emerge most likely from earliest childhood. (I was not abuse so don’t be upset.) Maybe one day I’ll make another attempt to outline my personal – probably crackpot – theory.

Because of this fetish’s deep roots it is one of the most moving and powerful experiences that I can have in the context of BDSM.

I do not need it to be happy. Or to be satisfied with a top. But the top who could speak to me with the right tone would be granting me a great grace.

I have copious, fluid and wide ranging sexualities. More narrow masochists may experience this as a serious need. And the bottom may not understand this clearly. It is something the dominant person should be aware of in hopes of understanding why an otherwise likeable submissive person isn’t content. Perhaps even becomes faithless and leaves.

Unexamined Masochism

I want to emphasize that many submissive persons do not fully understand their desires. Cannot articulate them. This is true of many people in many situations.

Being mindful of this may make you better able to evaluate a potential play partner. Or understand the failure of a D/s love affair.

Related posts:

1. Verbal Tag

Verbal Sadism
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

Master flogs slave.

This morning I got a message from one Jockgod1. Naturally the first thing I did was look at his profile. If he wants to live up to such an ambitious pseudonym he’ll have to put on more muscle and she some tummy fat before falling into the jock god range. Not that there was anything really wrong with his looks. Just nothing special.

His profile stated that he wants to be spoiled. And his email was essentially an invitation to spoil, ahem, my god.

Now the jock god is about as far from me as you can be in North America. And there was the typical absence of specifics that are a sign of BDSM junk mail. Fetish spam.

Tons of ‘submissive’ women are writing to men on CollarMe and Alt without even bothering to check the recipients’ power exchange orientation. They are the crop of online models that have plagued online personal ads since the beginning.

Spoil is often a codeword for: give me tribute. E.g., give me money because I claim I’m dominant and that is how you, the submissive person, show your submission. There’s been a pandemic of incompetent money dominatrices with buttons you can click to send them $25, $50 …. $100, $500!

There are reports that current economic conditions are causing more women to try professional domination as a source of income. (Nothing wrong with that other than many of them will prove incompetent and possibly even do clients harm.)

While male domination for pay is exceedingly uncommon it does exist. No reason to expect them to be more (or less) ethical than the women.

Regardless of your gender and sexual orientation, regardless of your desperation don’t let distant strangers talk you into giving them money for nothing. Some men actually become addicted to this and damage themselves badly financially.

Don’t spoil someone who is already rancid.

No related posts.

Money Masters, Mistresses
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

Ebooks have been common in the make money the easy way online sucker market for some time. Now they are invading BDSM, at least the Femdom portion of it.

Ebooks are often written by people with no expertise in the subject they are covering, just a desire to make a buck. Often the rights to the books are sold to other people who also peddle it online.

The page count is often low and sometimes a series are sold as an online course. It is a real sucker’s market.

Don’t be fooled into buying an ebook or online course promising to teach you how to be a submissive man, turn your wife into a dominatrix or win a Mistress.

Everything that you need to know about male submission and female dominance is out here on the web. Again and again: there is no secret, no hidden lore; any promise of special techniques is sheer bunk.

Being a good submissive man is mostly about being a good man; taking a pleasure in deference, needing to surrender to control. And often – hooray for masochism! – happiness in pain.

The people you can learn from are the men and women who have forged successful female dominant relationships and share their experiences on blogs and forums. Don’t be tempted by the bogus offers you see on the web.

Related posts:

1. Submissive Men Are From Venus

Warning to Submissive Men
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

Is your hunger for a dominant something that radiates from you? Is your desire to find one something you can’t help but talk about in fetish venues? On your blog and in your emails and IMs?

That – more than anything else – may be sabotaging your search.

If you are a single submissive person your desires are a given: they don’t need to be spoken of. Try to relax and keep your inner-nagging out of sight.

Related posts:

1. Advice : It Isn’t Just Kink
2. Advice : Penis Photos
3. Advice : Balance

Advice : Neediness
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

I’ve never known anybody to say they were thrilled to get a picture of some unknown person’s penis. Billions of people have one so they aren’t special. If you are trying to meet people online you may want to offer something more distinctive. Besides good manners should tell you to wait until you think the other person expresses an interest.

And submissive straight guys – do you really think that is what dominant women spend their nights thinking about? Actually it normally makes lists like The Five Most Annoying Things Men Do When Writing Dommes. Sending her one just about guarantees her only response will be to hit the delete key.

On gay sites – where enthusiasm for penises is a given – such photos don’t appear.

Related posts:

1. Advice : It Isn’t Just Kink

Advice : Penis Photos
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

(If you are me the top is engaged in a close study of whether you whimper more entertainingly when hit with a single tail or a quirt.)

So you write a profile bragging about how happy you will be to clean floors or have orgasm only on February 29th (or advance research into the effect of cowhide on human flesh).

OK. We do meet to experience these sorts of things. But they only take up so much of the day. There are lots of hours to be filled with ordinary things.

My recent scanning of profiles shows that it is the top who is most likely to mention pleasure in horseback riding, baseball, jazz, entomology, theoretical physics and baking pies.

Bottoms are forever offering themselves as servants and targets. Tops look for that and a bit more.

Your own profile shouldn’t neglect to share your passions, enthusiasm and hobbies. I’ve lost count of how many kinky relationships began with a shared pleasure that had nothing to do with BDSM.

People generally meet for coffee or a meal. And it is more fun to think of spending time with someone who has more in them than the commonplace yearnings of the average submissive masochist.

Really many D/s couples have started with shared pleasure in an author or musician. Then progressed on to who is the finest maker of floggers.

No related posts.

Advice : It Isn’t Just Kink
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

Do not work on your profiles and personal ads when you are sexually aroused. Seriously. If you are feeling horny go masturbate before writing. Otherwise you are apt to make promises you can’t keep and get caught up in stressing specific fetishes more than you mean to. To write a good personal advertisement you need to find a happy medium between being aware of your needs and almost clinical detachment from them.

You want to let your passion shine through but with enough impartiality to show you are capable of coping with those passions with some degree of reason.

Neither neediness nor mania is attractive.

Be honest and balanced.

No related posts.

Advice : Balance
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy