In Praise of Professional Dominatrices

(NB: I wrote this over five years ago. I haven’t reread a word of it.)

ProDommes & Stereotypes

I esteem a number of professional dominatrices.

As I’ve mentioned before I’ve exchanged thoughts and feelings with some on and off for years. Not as a client: I’ve never (yet) paid for an evening’s S&M.

Nor necessarily about kink. Many of these conversations predated my relationship with Alexandra or my writing about fetish. They didn’t know of my masochism. We shared some other interest or they esteemed something I’d written about sexuality (probably gender identity).

So I felt a bit uncomfortable with a remark I found on a blog:

Just because [submissive male partner] will allow me to perform some act on him, and while he may desire it, it does not mean that I should or will perform it. Besides any legal issues, it has to be done within the boundaries of my own comfort. I am not a pro-domme, nor do I seek to act like one.

(Link not given: it is irrelevant and I have no desire to spark any friction.)

The point about the dominant’s comfort is well taken. The dominant needs to remain in his or her individual comfort zone. Though typically bottoms want their tops to do just a little bit more. (We are a greedy group aren’t we.)

But I demur at the notion that a dominant woman who enjoys more colorful play is akin to a ProDomme. Look at the explorations that Alexandra and I have shared. And the Perv-O-Meter is apt to register in the higher ranges when she returns.

Just good clean risk aware physical and emotional roaming around the byways of kink seeking to share certain mutual pleasures that are a part of our love.

I’d never suggest someone is not a “true dominant” because they have limits. (One of those things too many bottoms forget.)

Alexandra’s degradation and physical punishment of me doesn’t make her a professional dominatrix. She’s my lover.

But she’s not a better person for not being a ProDomme.

Even kinky people can be manipulated by the mass media clichés about professional dominants. Sure, some of the women abet those perceptions on their sites. That is just showmanship, letting the customer know that he can live his fantasy. Dig deep enough in the site and you’ll find it clearly stated that the client’s safety is paramount and insane requests won’t be honored.

ProDommes are often bright, cheerful, smart women. Mistress Matisse is sort of the poster girl of the good ProDomme.

So many of the women are creative. They know they are performance artists.

Do you think it is easy to put on all that garb to be the glamorous and pungent realization of a man’s dream. That while they like looking sexy maybe they’d rather relax in a t-shirt and sneakers?

Resilience and resource is required to stay sane and happy when many of the clients are demanding, whiny, bent in anything but a fun way. So many different performances with men who’ll become angry should your role drop if only for a moment.

Empathy and insight is necessary to get through the day. A good professional dominatrix – I’m sure there are plenty of rotten ones – just as there are incompetent plumbers and spiteful store clerks – develops real insight into human sexuality. A rough and ready wisdom that is nothing to be despised.

I suspect able sex workers have done more for human happiness than psychiatrists with the bottles of pills who often treat their clients like experimental lab animals.

No related posts.