Holiday Bondage Cheer
Don’t unwrap until Christmas?
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Welcome to WordPress. This is your first post. Edit or delete it, then start blogging! (NB: I wrote this over five years ago. I haven’t reread a word of it.) ProDommes & Stereotypes
I esteem a number of professional dominatrices. As I’ve mentioned before I’ve exchanged thoughts and feelings with some on and off for years. Not as a client: I’ve never (yet) paid for an evening’s S&M. Nor necessarily about kink. Many of these conversations predated my relationship with Alexandra or my writing about fetish. They didn’t know of my masochism. We shared some other interest or they esteemed something I’d written about sexuality (probably gender identity). So I felt a bit uncomfortable with a remark I found on a blog:
(Link not given: it is irrelevant and I have no desire to spark any friction.) The point about the dominant’s comfort is well taken. The dominant needs to remain in his or her individual comfort zone. Though typically bottoms want their tops to do just a little bit more. (We are a greedy group aren’t we.) But I demur at the notion that a dominant woman who enjoys more colorful play is akin to a ProDomme. Look at the explorations that Alexandra and I have shared. And the Perv-O-Meter is apt to register in the higher ranges when she returns. Just good clean risk aware physical and emotional roaming around the byways of kink seeking to share certain mutual pleasures that are a part of our love. I’d never suggest someone is not a “true dominant” because they have limits. (One of those things too many bottoms forget.) Alexandra’s degradation and physical punishment of me doesn’t make her a professional dominatrix. She’s my lover. But she’s not a better person for not being a ProDomme. Even kinky people can be manipulated by the mass media clichés about professional dominants. Sure, some of the women abet those perceptions on their sites. That is just showmanship, letting the customer know that he can live his fantasy. Dig deep enough in the site and you’ll find it clearly stated that the client’s safety is paramount and insane requests won’t be honored. ProDommes are often bright, cheerful, smart women. Mistress Matisse is sort of the poster girl of the good ProDomme. So many of the women are creative. They know they are performance artists. Do you think it is easy to put on all that garb to be the glamorous and pungent realization of a man’s dream. That while they like looking sexy maybe they’d rather relax in a t-shirt and sneakers? Resilience and resource is required to stay sane and happy when many of the clients are demanding, whiny, bent in anything but a fun way. So many different performances with men who’ll become angry should your role drop if only for a moment. Empathy and insight is necessary to get through the day. A good professional dominatrix – I’m sure there are plenty of rotten ones – just as there are incompetent plumbers and spiteful store clerks – develops real insight into human sexuality. A rough and ready wisdom that is nothing to be despised. I suspect able sex workers have done more for human happiness than psychiatrists with the bottles of pills who often treat their clients like experimental lab animals. A Ramble With No Conclusion As a boy the only sexism I’m aware of absorbing was that a male should be especially polite to women: give her your seat on the bus, open door the door and preceede you. And I did. Until a female friend told me that I was being foolish when I went out of the way to open a door for her. Thinking about it there seemed to actual reason to treat females from males in any fashion. So much for that. Not that I was negligent or impolite. My Savannah (of the time) born conditioning left me if anything overly courteous. And I could focus my urges to be gallant on boys anyway. This was the era of the Women’s Liberation Movement. Women actually marched bearing placards demanding – how amazingly – compensation equal to that paid to men. However imperfectly this aspect of American life was born anew. At least for most professional women. Given my self-selected group of friends I thought that was the end of the matter. Mostly. Visiting a couple once while another couple was also visiting I found myself feeling uncomfortable and confused that the two women did everything related to food and comfort (an offer to assist was dismissed). And I mostly spent time with gay men. What did I know? When I got sick watching contemporary television and movies provided a great gender education. Women are less logical than men – huh? Perhaps in a parallel dimension. Not on the Earth that I live on.
Prior to the popular culture experience it was discovering Femdom that I was living in some sociological niche. There is of course the whole female superiority rigamarole. Women are tougher, faster. I remember when a woman hit the talk show circuit with that in the 1970s. They are also sweeter, nicer and benevolent. Yeah. Junk ethnology and historical ignorance. Not that I object to this as fantasy. (I fantasize everything.)
Now, men – men just aren’t so sweet. In fact all huamn males have penises for brains. And give one an orgasm and he’ll be selfish and rude. Deny a man orgasms and he’ll do all the practical chores that he’s been neglecting. And here I thought I was a nice guy. As unseemly as it may sound I wish I were like that. As someone who spent far too long as a romantic sap and paid for it some brute selfishness would’ve given me a better life. I’ve tended to blame men for the varieties of F/m sexism. But thinking back I’ve certainly seen dominant women who post things like “10 Ways Men Are Like Dogs.” So some female tops perpetuate sexist stereotypes. But about men. Not that I’d dare try to quantify the degree. Most of the kinky people I’m really aware of are free of gender junk. I’ve sometimes thought of female superiority as a very abstract aesthetic device as a possible emotional tool.
Do some dominant women use untrue generalization about men as a metaphor? (This entry was not what I started out writing. Nothing new there. Begged questions, exceptions acknowledged.) Listen and Pay Attention
I have no patience with definitions of what constitutes authentic submission. In a power exchange relationship whether F/m or any Gender/gender proper submission is what proves successful for both partners. Behavior that approximates an ideal. Ideal conditions are boundaries that are rarely reached. For me I’d say submission is deferring to the top’s wishes as best as I can. That is consistent with my emotional and physical well-being. People submit because they believe it will satisfy an internal necessity. The key element that most men lack in offering this deference is probably in actually perceiving and understand the top’s wishes. I have plenty of good will and honest desire. But with the virtues that I can honestly attribute myself I’m forever hurt by how often I could have been more conscious of what was desired and would have made experiences better. Like all relationships BDSM prospers given communication, attentiveness and empathy. I’ve long known of French BDSM artist Waldo’s F/m and M/f illustrations. It was yesterday that I discovered that he’s also produced gay male BDSM images.
Paul Baresi being a blonde young man such a severe OTK hand spanking. He must have just started since the youth’s buttock’s are still white.
Sadomasochism Comprises Sexual Orientations
I got this unexpected email:
Beyond getting a non-submissive boyfriend to play bedroom games she’d fail. He’d eventually get tired of it and leave. There’s always the chance of latent submissiveness but there’s no winning in striving for the unlikely. People need to understand that BDSM – D/s, S&M, Bondage, Humiliation – these erotic needs, desires, inclinations are issue of sexual orientation. Just as much as gender orientation. The sadist or masochist can’t stop being who they are anymore than a gay man can be converted by Marcus Bachmann into a heterosexual. Being dominant or submissive is an issue of inner nature. Qualities settled in us when we were innocent children. Fighting against your sexuality only leads to unhappiness. And people are kinky in their own individual way. And there desires and pleasures often modify in the presence of a top or bottom they really enjoy being with. If you are a sadist, dominant or masochist, submissive person and your lover or spouse doesn’t share your needs then you need to either leave the relationship or arrange for your partner to your exploring BDSM with others. Another late 1970s butch guy tired up out among the trees. Don’t you wish these men would show more emotion?
In May of 2009 a very sweet sounding guy, confused a bit about gender, bisexuality and his submissiveness wrote me via BDSM Romance asking for advice. I promised a quick reponse. Yesterday I finally answered him. Elsewhere: To a Bisexual, Submissive, Feminine Boy |
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