I got this unexpected email:

I’ve been fascinated with this concept since finishing Elise
Sutton’s Female Domination. . .. have to
wonder, how do you get a submissive to get on it if he isn’t
“willing” or he has the inner strength to submit to such.
Seems I would really have to have a good reason.

Beyond getting a non-submissive boyfriend to play bedroom games she’d fail. He’d eventually get tired of it and leave. There’s always the chance of latent submissiveness but there’s no winning in striving for the unlikely.

People need to understand that BDSM – D/s, S&M, Bondage, Humiliation – these erotic needs, desires, inclinations are issue of sexual orientation. Just as much as gender orientation.

The sadist or masochist can’t stop being who they are anymore than a gay man can be converted by Marcus Bachmann into a heterosexual.

Being dominant or submissive is an issue of inner nature. Qualities settled in us when we were innocent children. Fighting against your sexuality only leads to unhappiness.

And people are kinky in their own individual way. And there desires and pleasures often modify in the presence of a top or bottom they really enjoy being with.

If you are a sadist, dominant or masochist, submissive person and your lover or spouse doesn’t share your needs then you need to either leave the relationship or arrange for your partner to your exploring BDSM with others.

Related posts:

1. BDSM & Masturbation
2. About My Profiles
3. Ten BDSM Crimes

BDSM Is Sexual Orientation
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

Poor Old Mr. Penis

Ruined Orgasm I

Many years ago during a period when I was looking for an outlet for my masochism a man who wrote me had a sadistic desire that was new to me.

The guy wanted to tie me up and masturbate me to and past orgasm. The continued massaging of my penis would eventually become painful. Having been a sometimes too enthusiastic wanker I knew my penis could become sore. What an exciting idea. (Sadly he decided that he wanted to explore his own masochism and we never met.)

Ruined Orgasm II

A device, finger, dildo, Aneros prostate massager is used to stimulate a man’s prostate gland. This forces him to ejaculate without having any sort of orgasm.

Technically there is no orgasm involved but involunatarily mimicking the results of an orgasms is dehumanizing and humiliating.

This has always struck me as a very moving experience. To have your physiological response manipulated inddependent of your actions or intenions.

Ruined Orgasm iII

A few years later focussing exclusively on F/m BDSM I read an entry on male genital manipulate:

No lubrication is used, and the glove is not allowed to slide over the organ. At the first twitch, pulsation, or other indication of approaching orgasm, she quickly removes her hand. She does not resume the almost mechanical “Milking” for a full minute. Sixty seconds is a long time when excitement is high. It is, however, necessary to wait out the full time prior to resumption. This same routine is carried out again and again, ceasing each time that there is the slightest muscle twitch observed or suspected. During the sixty seconds that the “Milking” is not taking place, the Mistress should tell the slave how well he is doing, how much pleasure she will get from his having a dribble orgasm, how displeased she will be if he has strong contractions, how he must relax and not do anything to spoil her pleasure, etc. This, in conditioning terms, is the reinforcement stage. The grand finale is a little squirt from the cock slit, followed by his slime slowly oozing out. While this is occurring Mistress should again give positive reinforcement. …

My synapses contorted themselves into new shapes when I read that. I wish I’d copied the entire, quite long, entry. The blog is long gone but it always seemed to actually be written by a woman in a F/m power exchange relationship.

How profoundly humbling to have one of a man’s greatest delights so diminished, made feeble.

Ruined Orgasms IV

From another F/m blog:

I then very quickly and vigorously, almost viciously, from behind, jerk his organ with my rubber gloved hand. He is so tense that it rarely takes even a minute before he is ready to spurt. I am watching this very closely and as soon as I note a slight start of a spasm I stop, take my hands away, step back and watch amused as he spurts, in a most frustrating fashion into his condom.

I assure you there is no orgasm when this method is employed, try it yourself and see! The look of frustration, total and utter frustration, is a picture to behold. Even now after several years of this treatment, he cannot quite comprehend just how frustrating the experience is. It leaves him yearning and desiring satisfaction, dreaming of what he used to experience. He remains totally unrelieved of his sexual tensions and urges, indeed they are multiplied ten-fold as a consequence of the frustration of being so near, yet so far from an orgasm. All that has been released is his semen, not his sexual tension.

This blog entry was much longer. I was rapt with helpless fascination. But clearly the account was fiction presented as truth. Perhaps only to give the story a greater sadomasochistic thrill.

Ruined Orgasm Summary

The first is pure S&M. The masochist’s penis is forced to endure pain. This is so much the opposite of what is expected from the genitals that it is almost shocking.

The second is also pure physical manipulation of a man’s sexual organs. His power over himself is literally taken away. It seems like a species of consensual sexual assault.

In the third a man is masturbated in a carefully structured manner. The goal is to elicit an orgasm without pleasure. The man’s body is pushed to climix perhaps by duration.

With the fourth we find a man caculatingly brought to orgasm only to have the stimulation removed with cunning timing to render the orgasm pleasureless.

The first and second kinds of male sexual manipulation are actually practiced.

The third and four have captured the mind’s of masochistic men as the most humiliating. Especially number four. It is the kind of ruined orgasm men search the web for.

The Runied Orgasm Myth

A BDSM urban legend I think. Of course I speak only with the authority of my own body.

I’ve certainly had orgasms that I felt could’ve been better.

I’ve had orgasms after taking my hand from my penis just a moment too soon.

Sometimes I’ve had orgasms that didn’t result in ejaculation. My body still shuddered. Pleasure surged through me.

Even my mildest, most flawed and least competently achieved orgasms gave me pleasure.

Your can be over-masturbated to pain. Your prostate can be massaged to ejaculation without orgasm.

But even the most minimal orgasm is fun.

Related posts:

1. Male Orgasm Denial as Pure BDSM

Ruined Orgasms Theory & Practice
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

I just added some future posts on FLR.Net so I felt I should try to post something here as well. But first some vintage M/m spanking photographs.

You know, when I see a slim guy like that I want to be the one providing the punishment. But I also feel a little annoyed with my switchiness wanting to stay within my submissiveness. Odd, eh?

As a man who enjoys vintage erotica I like the photographs (produced by the venerable Athletic Model Guild).

But hand spankings don’t stir me.

For me corporal punishment is the supreme kinky act, the fantasy primeval. I was eight the last time I was punished physically. By then my masochism was fully alive or I eroticized that whipping. Sometimes I imagine the insanse rage my father would’ve experienced had I ever been foolish enough to share that with him.

Daddy whipped me with a belt that day. He had me drop my pants and bend over the bed. Belts and switches were the exclusive instruments for my few childhood punishments.

So belts and switches were what I imagined being whipped with when my masochistic fantasies started around age eleven.

When – as is the way with masochists, it explains why so many of us become nutty when frustrated – those objects stopped satisfying my dreams of pain I started working in household objects.

Electrical cords – especially knotted cords and car antennas for example. Wet towels. I can’t help but think I would’ve seen men being lashed with whips in old pirate movies. But no recollection remains. From movies I got hot coals (a fantasy I eventually outgrew) and the rack (who the heck can afford one?).

I fantasized about being beaten on very piece of furniture in my parent’s house. And in various positions my body contorted in manners often impossible.

But never being spanked by hand.

Many years ago on AOL a man was interested in meeting me whose idea of corporal punishment were limited to spanking me by hand. So I never met him.

A strong person’s hand can surely cause pain. But the foolish fetishist – even nice ones – are prisoners of their passsions.

No related posts.

Varieties of Corporal Punishment
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

In the episode “Staples, Guns and Roses” Kestie Morassi is shown using staple gun on her submissive playmate’s feet.

That I’ve had that fantasy isn’t the point. When her vanilla lover comes on the scene there are moments when her face is contored by the exalted state she is in from satisfying her dominant and sadistic needs.

That she seems overwhelmed by her sexuality makes this a very moving scene. There are plenty of clips of women hurting men. But they are only earning money. No shame in that. Nor any thrill.

Related posts:

1. Who Says Sadism Can’t Be Cute?
2. Dominant vs Dominate
3. Verbal Sadism

Dominant Woman’s Pleasure in Her Sadism
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

Photographs of a masochist with lots of clothespins on his body.

Sadly my later experiences with clothespins were disappointing.

The Dollar General clothespins that frugal folks recommend are – pardon my masochismo – for pain wimps (there’s no shame in that but I’m a man who glowed when his lover called him a maso-whore and pain sponge).

Yeah, I know they can be modified but then it hardly seems a savings unless you are someone who likes to DIY for the sake of it.

Now the smaller clothespins – I think mine were a gift from The

Stockroom – are tighter. I.e., better.

But not that exciting for the advanced – (term?) – masochist. I always meant to buy the metal ones but never did.

I did suggest we try a clamp from an office supply store. She said I was crazy. And she probably had a point.

NB: she wouldn’t use nipple clamps saying they were aesthetically unsatisfactory. I never could decide if I was relieved or chagrin in not exploring the sadomaochistic possibilities of those little metal clamps.

No related posts.

Clothespins & Pain (Or the Lack)
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

But I don’t see any inherent contradiction between BDSM and humor.

I find comediennes as a class attractive. Joan Blondell, Eve Arden, Sarah Silverman. Sarcasm, irony, cheerful delight are fine qualities.

There’s no reasona top can’t make me laugh if she wishes whie she swings her whip.

No related posts.

Funny Woman With a Whip
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

I couldn’t find an on theme image that wasn’t disgusting. I sure do envy the young man on his knees.

Verbal abuse should be dropped from the list of consensual sadomasochistic fetishes. The term has terrible associations. Verbal sadism (or masochism) fits better for those of us who want to participate in it knowingly.

I’m not going to get in the rut of writing about it. But just as physical sadists are sometimes uncomfortable with emotional S&M even those who don’t mind (ideally enjoy) inflicting humiliation cannot handle verbal sadism.

Why am I am a verbally masochistic man? I have a muddy perception of the sources of these desires. Of primal origin, in the sense that they emerge most likely from earliest childhood. (I was not abuse so don’t be upset.) Maybe one day I’ll make another attempt to outline my personal – probably crackpot – theory.

Because of this fetish’s deep roots it is one of the most moving and powerful experiences that I can have in the context of BDSM.

I do not need it to be happy. Or to be satisfied with a top. But the top who could speak to me with the right tone would be granting me a great grace.

I have copious, fluid and wide ranging sexualities. More narrow masochists may experience this as a serious need. And the bottom may not understand this clearly. It is something the dominant person should be aware of in hopes of understanding why an otherwise likeable submissive person isn’t content. Perhaps even becomes faithless and leaves.

Unexamined Masochism

I want to emphasize that many submissive persons do not fully understand their desires. Cannot articulate them. This is true of many people in many situations.

Being mindful of this may make you better able to evaluate a potential play partner. Or understand the failure of a D/s love affair.

Related posts:

1. Verbal Tag

Verbal Sadism
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

We all have our own idiolect: idiosyncratic ways we use certain words.

In my own mind I often distinguish between humiliation and degradation. Not clearly or consistently.

For me degradation is most often the physical side of being treated as inferior. Scrubbing floors would be an instance. Forced to eat unpleasant food another.

Humiliation I most often association with consensual emotional sadomasochism.

There’s also humbling: gentle inferiority. Eating food, ordinary food, from a bowl. Being a pet. Being humble can be sweet and gentle. An occasional swat doesn’t conflict with a pat on the head.

My internal jargon important. I’m seeking distinctions for which there is no really ready terminology.

(Train of thought interruption. I stuck a Grace Jones CD in my player only to discover that some component seems to have died.)

Man Looks into Masochist’s Mind

When I suggested the term contempt play I meant emotional violence, particularly verbal sadism.

SSC, RACK verbal S&M to be sure. There are lines that should never be crossed.

I’m very difficult, perhaps impossible to really humiliate. I know about my limitations, flaws and failures. But there as aspects of my life I wouldn’t want used in spoken humiliation. They are behaviors that I wish I didn’t possess, could eliminate.

I’m happy with my gender, race and sexuality. But given the right tone mocking me for those things would plunge me deep down. I’ve often wished to me scored – in a scene – for my masochism and submissiveness. I’m ashamed of neither.

Mostly I crave the tone. The condemnation, contemptuous laughter, sheer scorn. For me this would be cathartic. I’d cringe, perhaps even cower waiting for you to stop. The days following I’d feel uplifted and view the world with vivid delight.

Humiliation and degradation can be funny activities. Once Alexandra rolled a raw egg along my butt crack. I was so baffled that I fell out of submissive emotional space. Later when I asked her why she said it was to humiliate me. I’ve never understood that. And will go to my grave puzzled.

Just Plain Swell Female Top

(The next day: this entry didn’t turn out that well.)

Related posts:

1. Contempt Play
2. Spoken Humiliation

Emotional S&M
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

One of the interesting – and for me initially surprising – differences among tops is their feelings about degrading and humiliation a submissive partner ro playmate.

Almost all male tops seem to enjoy humiliation. Women seem more divided: yes, no, maybe, ewwww! A whole lot of submissive men are also emotional masochists.

Submissive men desire to be dehumanized, degraded who are in relationships with dominant women who don’t enjoy that kind of dominance often seem frustrated. Even becoming angry with her. Or at least sullen and withdrawn.

( – Yes, yes a submissive person is supposed to only do what she desires, etc., etc. Really submissive men and women are individuals and not round objects to be shoved into square holes. – )

How serious is this divide. Is it as wide as the gulf between masochistic men and their vanilla girlfriends and wives? I hope not. Those folks should just be realistic and split up, get a divorce. Why kid yourself into years of pain that isn’t a pleasure?

My own sexuality has evolved and changed in response to so many things I’ve lost count. Would it help a top feel comfortable to humiliate us if we used different words?

Contempt play. With the emphasis on play. Perhaps it can help the dominant partner understand that we know that we aren’t really worthless. That we don’t deserved to be treated like trash.

Contempt play is a form of role play. It can range from being treated as an unimportant object to a person who should be emotionall assaulted merely for being alive.

Why do some of us crave to be treated like garbage? I do have some ideas about the source and origin of my own emotional masochism. But we’d have to be mighty close for me to share the secret with you.

Talk to me about consensual erotic humiliation and degradation.

No related posts.

Contempt Play
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy

Early on in exploring BDSM I learned that dominant people aren’t sadistic. I have no interest in them. But I also discerned that sadism sometimes developes over time, emerges to the top’s own surprise. Oh my God I love him but I also love to hurt him!

And some sadist and dominant persons are uncertain in their topping. Kind and humane they bend over backwards trying to be just and balanced. It isn’t that they don’t want to take what they can have. They aren’t sure that they should.

Speaking from the bottom half of the power exchange I can’t help but feel that – if you have these feelings – you should probably overcome them. Reasonably and sensibly but pushing yourself a little bit.

You may be frustrating yourself and your submissive masochistic partner. Uncertainty can make it harder for the bottom to fall into the submissive emotional state. And he may – unknowingly – resent not getting the depth of submission and/or pain that he feels he needs.

I know there have been times when I would have submitted more happily if the top’s demand overcame the inital inertia. Sometimes a submissive person really does need – and ultimately want – to be pushed.

Not that you should be an out of control top. As alway those who need to worry won’t. Those who do feel concern can relax.

This isn’t what I wanted to blog about. But it passed through my mind when I chose the photo for different entry.

* Actually I know this issue affects female tops. I can’t assume that it is also an issue for some male sadists as well.

No related posts.

Uncertain Topping
BDSM Romance - Notes on Power Exchange and S&M by an Erotically Electic Guy