Contempt Play is Serious Play
One of the interesting – and for me initially surprising – differences among tops is their feelings about degrading and humiliation a submissive partner ro playmate.
Almost all male tops seem to enjoy humiliation. Women seem more divided: yes, no, maybe, ewwww! A whole lot of submissive men are also emotional masochists.
Submissive men desire to be dehumanized, degraded who are in relationships with dominant women who don’t enjoy that kind of dominance often seem frustrated. Even becoming angry with her. Or at least sullen and withdrawn.
( – Yes, yes a submissive person is supposed to only do what she desires, etc., etc. Really submissive men and women are individuals and not round objects to be shoved into square holes. – )
How serious is this divide. Is it as wide as the gulf between masochistic men and their vanilla girlfriends and wives? I hope not. Those folks should just be realistic and split up, get a divorce. Why kid yourself into years of pain that isn’t a pleasure?
My own sexuality has evolved and changed in response to so many things I’ve lost count. Would it help a top feel comfortable to humiliate us if we used different words?
Contempt play. With the emphasis on play. Perhaps it can help the dominant partner understand that we know that we aren’t really worthless. That we don’t deserved to be treated like trash.
Contempt play is a form of role play. It can range from being treated as an unimportant object to a person who should be emotionall assaulted merely for being alive.
Why do some of us crave to be treated like garbage? I do have some ideas about the source and origin of my own emotional masochism. But we’d have to be mighty close for me to share the secret with you.
Talk to me about consensual erotic humiliation and degradation.
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Personally, I don’t care to engage in much humiliation or degradation play. It hearkens back a little too clearly to my own past experiences being the butt of a great deal of bullying and humiliation in school. The grade-school “teasing” really scarred me emotionally; I just don’t think I could divorce myself from those memories to be able to do it in a play context, even if I’d be on the giving, and not receiving end.
Also, the thought that if I crossed that very fine line between just enough and too much, and really hurt my partner emotionally.. it seems potentially far more damaging to the person and to our relationship than if I accidentally crossed a line with physical play.
But it really depends whether you’re talking about verbal or other kinds of humiliation.. I can totally get down with making a submissive drink from a dog bowl or act as my footstool or do housework while wearing nothing but a frilly apron, or deliberately giving a guy inconvenient boners in public or making him wear a butt plug to the grocery store, etc. That kind of stuff is a whole different ball of wax. It’s when it gets personal, like name-calling and degrading taunting, that it becomes something unpleasant to me.
I think your feelings are very common.
I don’t think emotional S&M should even be thought of unless the two people know each other very, very well. Even the person with the crazy desires has limits but inexperience has made it harder for the submissive person to see and understand that.
I wonder how many of those submissive men (who “desire to be dehumanized, degraded who are in relationships with dominant women who don’t enjoy that kind of dominance”) have been totally up front with their partners about what they want, and/or if they have tried to approach it in a way that would be appealing for both of them… I’ve had several play partners who told me they wanted to “serve”, doing housework and such, and it turned out that what they really wanted was the humiliation that they felt went along with that.
Also, I think a lot of submissive guys tend to focus on the things they want in a very specific way and maybe get stuck on very particular things.. so they might tell their partner that they want to be humiliated/degraded/whatever in a very specific way, and then just pout and feel frustrated when their partner is not into *that* thing in *that* way, when if they had just approached her with it in a different way or been willing to make a compromise or branch out into similar things, they might have found a common ground.
So many submissive guys are so very emphatic in their desires to be humiliated that it surprises me that some would conceal the desire.
Yeah, I’ve read submissive men who seem to be fixated on details like the color the dress they will – must – wear when feminized. Incessant frustrated fantasizing has locked their imagination, crippling them. In a way it is like the men who use too tight a grip when masturbating and find another human being’s body inadequate.
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I personally like a Dom that takes charge and has fun with the play. FUN! Making me wear what they want, or inserting this and that, or making public time tedious. That is really fun and as much as I hate it, I also love it. But, the line is drawn when they are not nice. I gravitate toward people I enjoy, respect, and trust. Correcting a mistake is an opportunity to train, not be mean. And when they start with the personal name calling, I am pretty much done. I once had a Dom call me a “piece of shit” when we first met. In my head I thought, “then why would you want me around you if you dislike me so much.” They were surprised and apologetic when I had no interest to do ANYthing with them. Either inexperience or simple rudeness ended that relationship before it took off.
When I am the Dom, I treat my subs with care and cherish the trust they give to me. When I dress, or undress, them to my delight – I show my delight and they work harder to do better. One boy lost 2″ off his waist over 4 months, lots of gym work. He said he wanted to please me more, when I used him. So cute. He hates to wear nylons, so that is what he wears under his pants anytime I meet with him. I may call him “my bitch” and will make it clear, I value my bitch. I only want strong and good people in my service.
It is all fun, when it isnt, it is a good time to decide on the reason for the relationship. That is my two-cents as a switch.
Whatever works for you is what you should cultivate.
But your needs aren’t my needs.